On March 29, 2013 - I received a call that would change my life.
I would not have ever imagined that with the diagnosis would come a great deal of HOPE.
Hope for a brighter, better tomorrow.
Hope for a Cure. Hope for restoration.
Hope for strength.
Hope ...
I am grateful every day. But, the day on which I was given my diagnosis has been the reason for celebration for the past 3 years. Some of my survivor/thriver friends call it 'cancerversary'. I don't want the word 'cancer' in my celebration. But, I can't knock them for it. The bottom line is it's a day that we recognize as being one where we can exhale.
We celebrate the days behind us and carry a hope for tomorrow.
It's my hope holiday.
I hope (and don't get it twisted my hope is ROOTED by FAITH) that one day we're not talking about celebrating these types of holidays. Rather, we're celebrating the fact that cancer is no more.
As a survivor, it's apparent that we want to celebrate. But, I don't think I'm alone in saying that it's extremely difficult to reconcile my feelings sometimes with wanting to badly to celebrate this day but also carrying a certain amount of survivor's guilt.
On the one hand, I want to shout to the moon that I am alive. I'm here. It's my 3 year hope holiday. On the other hand, I want to pay homage and respect to the family and friends who I've lost along the way.
It can be difficult to reconcile feelings sometimes ......
UPDATE: I started writing this on 3/29 ..... and just now realized I never published it ..... so I am going to publish it just as it is. It illustrates very much how I struggle with reconciling my feelings around survivorship....... published 4/20. CC